I'm fascinated by estate sales, because to me, there is not a more somber shopping experience in the world. Its were death and deals meet. I try to go to one every now and then, but when I do, I'm overwhelmed by a feeling: as soon as you die and your family picks over the good stuff, everything you saw day in and day out in your home becomes a pawn shop for strangers to bid on. Knowing this, you think we would attach less meaning to things.
I think it would be funny if it was possible to have a living estate sale like they do living wills. People could come in and tell you what low ball shit number they would pay for your art and plates that you've worked hard to collect.
I listened to a podcast today on minimalism. The driving point was a question, what if you could be happier with less? It is a deceptively simple idea.
I am a man that feels like he is constantly playing from a deficit. Some of those deficits are figments of childhood and others are quite real. The most common counter punch to not feeling special is the eternal quest to become super special. I wasn't noticed, so I will dominate something until it forces me to notice. I don't think that drive is good or evil. Its led to a lot of good in my life. But I can see its potential for pain too.
I like the idea of living with less even though I measure my success with dollars and houses and such like most of us do.
But I've been wondering, maybe its possible for me to live with less on an emotional plane? I think we all have good healthy needs to be heard, loved, etc.. thats fine. All that can't be done away with without significant harm.
But what I mean is that maybe there are times when I am doing things out of order.
I think there are times when I demand too much to do too little. In the story of the enslaved Israelites, Pharaoh, the first ever dick boss, tells the slaves that they will no longer be given straw to make bricks for the endless building they are doing in their servitude. The people's response was naturally to be miserable.
But in the modern era, some times I feel like I require too much straw for the bricks I'm building. My recognition to work ratio gets out of whack. I think the hunt for recognition is the nuclear energy that leads us all, but it has to be inside of a work ethic or you become a real bastard or a cry baby.
Another way I've been thinking about emotional minimalism is the need to hold on to people, both those that represent good and bad times. I've had a couple instances over the years where people I have thought I was cool with by chance revealed that they were very upset with me in some capacity. When things like that happen, I'm always undone. As much shit as I talk and as bold as I seem, I, in my soul, want to be liked. I want to be understood. I want people's idea of me to fit my idea of me.
But the only problem is thats a control issue. And its impossible.
Also, I'm a work in progress. I am navigating as best I know how at all times but like everyone, I need course corrections.
But isn't holding on to people you've been good to also a form of control? I don't know. I do know that we use other people to remind us what kind of people we are. I was good to this person so I must, in some way, be objectively good.
I think forgiveness is more than just letting go of the wrongs that have been done to you, or seeking out and making amends for the wrongs you have done yourself. I think forgiveness is a way of moving through time so time doesn't move through and stick to you. Like a blender you never use that follows you from new address to new address until your final yard sale.
When I die, I want to die empty. I want everyone who wronged me to go free. I want to have held on only to what was making me better. I want to allow some things to just be happy memories and feel no need to squeeze them into being more than what they were. I want to be a rechargeable battery of good til the end. And I"m going to sell my TV before I die so you assholes can't get it. But if you do, enjoy it ;)