judgement muscle
The other day, I was at an open mic. Guy on stage was performing and boy did it suck. I don’t mean maybe this joke didn’t land but heres a new one coming, i mean start to finish, 5 minutes of boring sympathetic embarrassment pain in a silent room. There is no comic who hasn’t lived through that, but watching it never gets easier. As I was sitting there, I sent a text to my friend next to me “hey, what the fuck is this”.
He replied “I saw this guy crush at a club with these same jokes recently.”
It gave me a lot to think about. Its not news to me that comedy is subjective, I’ve never been more aware of that in my entire life. Comedy in new york is the weirdest mix of great ideas, good ideas, and hot snakes in the toilet turds.
But I guess what struck me is that I can choose how I react to someone else’s perceived failure. If you do comedy, its probably because you care. If watching someone do poorly or be mediocre bothers you, its probably because you care. But caring too much about things you can’t control is a form of useless judgement.
The thing I’ve realized is I judge others with the intensity that I judge myself. So in some weird cosmic way, the way to be less critical of myself is to be less critical of others.
Judgement is a muscle, and the more I use it the stronger it grows. Its not wrong to make distinctions. Having discriminating taste, having high standards, all of that is good. But I’m realizing that in times when I see someone else suck, or lets face it every time I see myself suck, I can simply choose to take a less impassioned approach. As if its happening to someone else.
Why does this matter? Its matters because when you are judging, you are not doing anything else. You are not problem solving, you are not editing, you are not asking questions. To judge something, yourself or others is to be stuck in the past. Judging is to continue to react to an old story.
What I am trying to practice now when I see something I don’t like in others or in myself, is I treat it like a conversation at a party that I am bored by or a food that a friend likes but doesn’t appeal to me.
This week I did two mics. One I had a great set at, felt funny and other comics were nice to me. The other mic, I felt like an old fraud. Like I couldn’t staple to jokes together and everyone I have ever met knows how intrinsically bad I am but are too nice to say.
The funny thing, in both sets I’m sure I made mistakes. In both sets I ad libbed stuff that in the playback sounds superfluous in my ears. In both sets I probably had some that liked what I was doing and others who didn’t care for it. But me, with my extreme outcome oriented brain left one feeling like a hero and the other feeling like sidewalk gum.
I do comedy because I need to. I have something to say, I don’t know why I cant just shut up. Life would be easier if I could. I think a lot of people in my life would be happier if I didn’t, but I know I wouldn’t. So thats why I am here. Writing my little jokes, trying to be nice to people, trying to be diligent. In some way I am always half embarrassed to do comedy. Feels like being a web cam model or a magician who’s tricks don’t always turn out.
I love making a room full of people feel good. There is no bad day that crushing a set cant make a good day.
But most of the time that feeling isn’t there. Much of the time it feels like putting one wrinkly dollar bills into a picky vending machine. But the good days make the bad days invisible.
Growing up religious, I’ve heard the bible used to justify everything good and bad. Something many a religious asshole says when they get caught being an asshole is “judge not lest you be judged”. Its douchebag 101.
I don’t think that having no opinions is healthy. I guess the answer is to have your standards and opinions, but you don’t have to let them dictate how you feel. About others or yourself. I think ceviche is disgusting. But I don’t need to dwell on you eating it or that one time I tried. I can just order something else.