few
I had a busy day yesterday. Worked hard on my business, did a show, watched Lemony Snickets on my couch then fell asleep. This morning I woke up, and a weird thought experiment played out for me while I laid in bed, I pictured my funeral.
I know this isn’t unique, everyone wonders who would show up, who wouldn’t, I think it’s a trick the mind does to evaluate life.
But it was very real, like a dream not a nightmare. It was in a beautiful large drawing room. I recognized people, I knew what they were wearing, and I could see the way they carried their grief. Silently, or shaking, who they sat with.
If I died right now, nothing would make sense. I don’t feel like the pieces have aligned, but I accept that. But it makes me want to reach that catharsis before the end. I’ve always heard that when you die the brain floods with chemicals, like a parachute of catharsis, helping you understand. I hope that’s true, it sounds beautiful. I want to understand.
I think I have always felt old. I’m 38, I’ll be 39 next month, I’m sitting in a loud ass starbucks in Astoria. And I think I just now realized for the first time why I have always felt old, worry.
Different reasons for it at different ages, but worry slows the mind and speeds it up at the same time. “Fear is the mind killer”, but it doesn’t kill it all at once, it kills it in steps.
I guess the hinge of what I’m trying to say is this: most of the people I worry about, either those I want to like me or those I fear hate me, wouldn’t even come to my funeral. Me not existing wouldn’t darken their day, so why should I let their perceived opinion get to me? I shouldn’t.
I know its very middle school creative writing class to think about your own funeral, but I think evaluating the end can simplify your priorities.
Much to my embarrassment, my mind is still full of Christian music lyrics from my religious days. That being said, theres one that sticks in my mind today.
“There are very few important things”
I have such a hard time with this. I am so priority blind. Everything seems urgent to me all the time. I have always wanted to be so many different things. But still, there are very few important things.
My sincerest hope for you and for me is those few things are found, why you still have the power to search. Don’t wait.