Because I have felt overwhelmed lately, I feel this creeping wish that blossoms up sometimes. I wake up, some bullshit happens, I have to deal with it, and the wish comes up and says some nonverbal version of “I wish I had no problems”.
Honestly, after all the plumbing issues, money issues, existential stress of moving, and sorting through the people who love me/hate me/have unfinished business with me and are reacting to my move, its been a fucking season y’all.
There is a constant duality in my life right now. Salt and sugar back to back.
Case in point, the other day in my mailbox I had two letters, 1 from my tenant giving me some bullshit and problems that I will have to work on, and literally right next to it was a letter from someone who I care about saying they love me and that they will miss me.
I think this happens a lot when you leave a place you’ve been rooted to for a while. Its a mock form of a death bed. My time here is dying, and people come to pay their respects, or disrespects as it were.
Its a lot, and every day I wake up to the smell of one fire that I have to put out and some version of this polarity of reactions to me.
But despite this feeling that I’m just treading water, I know that wishing for no problems is childish, self pitying and impossible.
The only people who have no problems are dead people. As long as you are alive, there will always be something falling under the standard of good that you would wish.
If you are a control freak or if you are under a lot of pressure, this is unbearable. This is one reason why people withdraw from the world, and boy oh boy does that sound good right now.
But I know for certain, that once I have some time to breath, maybe a vacation, I will long for challenges again.
I know that I am impatient as fuck. I know I always have this lingering feeling that I might be in trouble. I know that thats silly. I know that I often blow things out of proportion emotionally. If I’m not careful, every inconvenience is a scheme from the world to bring me down. I know that to get where I want to be I will have to adjust to a life of obstacles.
I’ve probably had some anxiety lately. Anxiety is still a novel concept to me, and I don’t think most people recognize all the ways it can show up. For me, it is this deep seated fear that I won’t be/have enough to solve XYZ problem.
Through the smoke of all these feelings, I know that the problems we choose to solve is what determines the person we become. I am trying to solve game changer problems for myself. The game does not change without a fight.
My strategy for now is to do the things I want to do every day, and do the things I have to do, and accept that some things will fall off in the pursuit.
I’m 36 today. I want to write blogs and jokes every day, I want to study jiu jitsu and train every day, I want to make money every day, I want to read every day, I want to help people every day. I want to dive deeper into shit instead of less deep. The world is overwhelming, but positive emotions are overwhelming too.
I’m starting at 0 in my comedy and writing new jokes, I had a good set last night with all new stuff. And I know once I build a long set of that and kill with it, that will be an overwhelmingly good feeling.
In the mean time, I’ll choose my problems, I’ll be patient with myself, and I’ll not bitch when things don’t go my way.