Giving yourself credit
Its hard to give yourself credit.
When most people tell you to give yourself some credit, what they mean is that you should recognize what you have done. Look at the doughnut and not the hole. Thats what a good friend should say.
But every person I know who is accomplished hates to hear that. To be accomplished means that you will always live with disappointment. On your best days, you can ignore it, on your worst, it feels like an air ball that hangs in the air forever. You know its not going to end well, and still you have to wait. Its a constant game of managing the downside.
The reason I feel this way at times is because my conception of what I’m capable of is very high. And yet most of the time I am falling under it. I am missing deadlines, losing matches, bombing sets, not saving money etc.. its hard to master yourself. We have to fail to be great, but at some point you hope the failures have an upward trend. Chasing that version of yourself that you think you could be. And the crazy thing is, you probably could be that man. You are not, not even close, but you could be one day. And thats the whole game.
We all contain strangers. And like all strangers, they are the best and worst.
To me, the strangers are your potential. You don’t really ever know what you could be. For every time I have ever done something I was proud of, or ashamed of, there is a similar element of surprise. When I listen to my comedy sets, I can’t stand listening to jokes I’ve done a bunch of times, I am most interested in the times when the show gets weird or I go on a riff or get heckled. One thing that delights me lately is going back and listening to old songs that I forgot I wrote. I hear and enjoy them for what they are/were. Darts thrown at a dart board. Attempts.
Its very easy to shame yourself for your attempts. But honestly, its the worst habit. The attempts are what the wins are made of, like humans are made of water. You can’t comprise a success without many particles of failure.
I guess thats the only way to take comfort. I don’t want anyone to reframe my fails. Don’t tell me it was close, or almost.
Tell me that if I try again, I can have it. Maybe not on the timeline I hoped for, but still.
Persistence is the only virtue when you are doing hard shit. I hope you keep going, in whatever you know you’re supposed to be doing. And you don’t let your own standards drive you crazy, or the lesser standards of your naysayers become your norms. And I hope you find a way to keep a corner of happiness and gratitude to occupy your heart in while you struggle. Despite how it feels, its never all dark. Its never all dark. Dark is a time thing, even with no effort it passes on its own. In the mean time, do what you can.
Who knows who you could be if you push a little more.