When you reach for the new level, the old one crumbles underneath you.
When you look at ending a relationship, the flaws in it bubble to the surface like a sea monster.
When you start the journey, you realized there is something you forgot and its too late to go back for it.
When you are about to step on stage, you are most clear about how you could have just sat in the darkness of the crowd.
When we attempt to expand, the first thing we feel before relief or joy is constriction. Like an injured rib cage around an expanding lung.
This matters because most dreams don’t get killed at the end, they get killed on day 2.
You make a target, you wave to your friends and set out, then all fucking hell breaks loose.
I don’t know why this is. Maybe those problems were always there. Maybe its the law of averages. Maybe god is seeing if you were serious. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the infrastructure of who you were starts to crumble, and you have to keep moving.
I know a lot of divorced people. I am divorced people. Its natural, but it never ceases to amaze me how people change for the worse in the death throws of a marriage. I get it. Ive been hurt, and I’m sure I’ve hurt others as well, but sometimes when you end what you have, what you have displays every reason why you were right to leave.
I’m living through this right now, and I am sad and uncomfortable every day with random spikes of joy. I’m overwhelmed, and I feel under-accomplished, which if you know me, is my form of depression.
As I’ve taken on this new renovation project (which is the biggest risk I’ve ever taken and way out of my league), my old house has had in no particular order: several separate plumbing leaks that went undiscovered, an AC compressor issue, these issues combined to give me a $1000 power bill for two months and a $500 power bill for the water loss, plus the cost of the plumbing and ac repair which are thousands of dollars. All these issues metastasized into a crawl space wet rot/mold issue under said house that will be another $3000. I can’t believe my luck, and by that I mean how shitty it is. And this is just one situation in my life that is fighting me.
Its really upsetting, and it feels unfair. At the same time, if I take my own medicine, I realize that this is exactly as it should be. I am a responsible homeowner, I did nothing to cause this, I didn’t take any shortcuts. Shit just goes bad sometimes, often times at the worst possible time.
The heart of the matter is I’m not doing this renovation to be afraid of a couple thousand bucks worth of bad news. I’m doing this renovation as a long term play, and as a gateway to making millions. I hate the way things are going right now, but I recognize that this is now, this is not forever. This isn’t even next month.
Theres a really beautiful verse from the new testament I never forgot. The disciples come upon a man that was born blind. At the time, the belief was that the man himself or his parents must have committed some great sin, and thats why their son was born with this disability. His disciples asked him “rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?” Jesus replies “neither this man or his parents sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”.
When the step behind you crumbles, my hope for you, whoever you are, is that you keep climbing. And that one day, you realized you didn’t need the steps at all, and could have flown the whole time.