Been feeling off lately. Part of it is the constant need to outdo myself v.s. my laziness. I dream like a pyscho CEO but work like a slightly above average homebody. There will always be tension.
Part of it is the kick back from big things. Tournaments, gigs, people, etc.. theres a lot of unexamined room in my life after goals or deadlines.
There are two experiences of goals, one is going up the mountain, and the other is coming down. Most people live better on either or. The ascent and the descent require different emotional skills. I’m better on the ascent I think. I like to challenge myself. I like to believe I can do anything, I like to punch above my weight. Part of the ascent mindset is un-reality. You are dreaming beyond yourself. Its pain in the service of a purpose and that is beautiful.
The descent is tricky. When we descend, we are leaving with new found knowledge. Moses for example. He saw god on Mt. Sinai and his appearance was changed.
When we try for big things, we learn about ourselves, and that knowledge is like oil and water to the imaginary part of our mind that motivated the climb.
Taking the reality, attaching meaning, separating your experience from the objective facts, taking whats useful, that is all part of the descent and its very difficult. Its the forensic quality of life.
Theres a type of lethargy that settles on me inbetween big events. I think of Sherlock Holmes. Inbetween cases, Sherlock is impossible to be around. He stays up late, he lounges, he smokes too much, may have been doing heroin, he lingers in a manic depressive state that can only be shook by work. His brain needs a problem in order to make him feel ok. I’m not that brilliant or that crazy, but I relate.
I was texting with my mom and I think I made her feel concerned for me because I said I feel like an empty hat. Thats kinda funny but also accurate.
Like many things, it made me think of magic. In magic, emptiness is the start of everything. The hand is empty before the coin appears, the hat is empty before the rabbit is pulled out.
I feel this way in comedy. I always and I mean always feel like I have little or no jokes. Yet, most nights, I am able to do my job as an entertainer which is to make others laugh.
Even writing today. I woke up not feeling myself at all, and assuming that sitting down was a waste of everyone’s time. An empty hat. But here we are. Maybe the emptiness is the best beginning.
People talk about feeling empty after achieving goals. You should, its over, time for a new thing. Its ok to never be full. There is no magic in full. There is endless magic in empty.